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I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what [idea] I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.*
This is the little pep talk that I give myself everytime I get ready to give a show. Sometimes I don’t really know what I’m doing or what I’m selling. I fell into this job a few years ago and ever since, there are days where I just feel like I’m keeping my head above water. This whole motivational speaking thing still sometimes feels like foreign territory for me and I’m wading in the deep end with no lifeguard on duty. But whatever happens, I’m in this all the way, until it’s all over.
As I make my way down the long, sterile, concrete hallway backstage at the Wells Fargo Center, I can hear the deafening murmur of voices increase in volume the closer I come to the stage door. This isn’t the loud roar of a rock crowd that would be here to see the likes of Bon Jovi or Maroon 5, or the screamy-high pitched ear-ringing noise of the Justin Bieber tween crowd, but it’s a pretty full house tonight and that’s a lot of voices, even if they are simply speaking at a normal volume.
This is where I start to feel the adrenaline pump through my veins. The stage, in recent years, has been the place where I feel the most at home. Traveling and sleeping in a different city each night, several months a year can be rootless. It makes me feel like sometimes I don’t belong anywhere. But up on that stage, surrounded by thousands of people who came to see me? That’s where I tend to feel like me, to feel like Edward Cullen, Motivational Speaker.
The event host, some local news anchor or something, gets up on stage and I hear the hush fall over the crowd. They’re ready. He starts by welcoming them to the Wells Fargo Center and reminding them about exits and silencing their cell phones. After the friendly reminders, he strives to get the crowd pumped up for me asking if they’re ready to hear some ‘words of wisdom’ or something along those lines. They never know exactly how to hype up a motivational speaker. It’s something that we’ve struggled with since I started this thing. I’ve suggested a couple of times that we have someone from our staff do it, that way we could hype everything the way that we want, but this is usually just easier. Plus, we haven’t found the right person yet.
Upon hearing my name and the applause and cheers of the crowd I know it’s time. I take a deep breath, shake out my arms and legs slightly to clear some nervous energy and plaster a smile on my face. Climbing the four large stairs that head up to the stage from the back I begin waving, welcoming the crowd and acknowledging their welcoming sounds. I take my place in the center of the stage, picking up the microphone - I don’t like mic stands much - and dive right in.
“Hi everyone! Welcome to the wonderful Wells Fargo Center. Thank you all for joining me tonight. I’m looking forward to our evening together - I think we’re going to have a great time.”
The large, almost sold out crowd, cheers and claps and the smile that I had plastered on my face morphs into something more real. As lost as I might sometimes feel doing this motivational speaking thing, the roar of a crowd always makes me feel good. The fact that people actually come to see me and cheer and buy my books makes this all worth it. And strangely enough, I hear from fans all the time that tell me how my words have helped them. That I’ve convinced them to stop smoking or drinking. That I’ve gotten them to leave a job they hate for something that makes them much happier. That my words about openness and honesty, as ironic as they may be, have saved their friendships or marriages. That’s all I can really ask of this craziness, that someone, somewhere can improve their lives from what I have to say.
“Tonight I’d like to talk to you all about happiness. About doing what makes you happy. So many people spend their lives doing things because they think they have to rather than because they want to. In our lives, the only true path to happiness is to do what we want, what we love. You should always do what you love and love what you do, for it is the true path to joy.”
I start speaking to the crowd about things I know. I really love my job, as much as I might joke about not knowing what I’m doing. I love people and I now kind of love being the center of attention when I’m speaking, knowing that everyone is truly here to see me, since I’m the only one up here.
“Growing up there are always going to be people to tell you that you can’t do this or you can’t do that. As much as we profess in the American Dream there are dreams that are less realistic or attainable for certain people. And don’t you worry, I’m sure you all know, that there are always people to remind you that your dream of being the first astronaut to walk on Mars, isn’t likely going to happen. To that I say, better to try and fail than never try at all. It is better to put yourself out there and open yourself up to the possibility than to have never tried to set foot on Mars.”
It may sound ridiculous to encourage people to walk on Mars, but really, who would have thought 6 years ago I would have had a crazy successful modeling career and would have now been one of the world’s biggest-selling motivational speakers? But looking back, I am pretty happy with the life I’ve made. Of course there are things missing. I’d love to share this success I’ve had with someone, I’d love to be closer to my family. I’d even love to understand more fully just what I help people with and truly know if this is what I should be doing. However, I’m happy for the time being. I like what I do most days. I get to see new places and new faces all the time. I’m as happy as I’m going to be for now.
“There are always opportunities to make choices about your life and what you want to do with it. If it’s what you want, you should major in philosophy, even if it seems there’s absolutely no way to make a living at it.* Because if it’s truly what you want to do, you will find a way to make a living - you will find the strength to do what you love. You cannot be happy by doing what others tell you. If your happiness depends on what somebody else does [or says], I guess you have a problem.”*
I laugh a bit at this line. It’s one I found somewhere, I can’t even remember where, but I just like the phrasing. One thing about my speaking is that I will always be blunt and tell people how it is. And really, if you let someone else tell you what you have to do, you’ll never truly be happy.
“If later, it turns out that the philosophy degree isn’t making you happy, you must do something else. You cannot be afraid to move along, to try something else. In life we make the best mistakes weknow how to make. Then, with luck, we go out and make new ones.* Try and try again. There are few times when you absolutely cannot try something else and they usually involve jail time or serious injury. Neither of which should be the results of looking for a new job.”
The crowd laughs and I know that this speech is going just the way I wanted. As much as the topics I discuss can really be very serious, they’re also here for a show and I intend to entertain. I continue to speak for the next 45 minutes, discussing choosing the past that works for you and along that path you are likely to find friends and relationships that not only share in your loves and hopes, but also understand what you truly want out of life. Maybe one day I should take my own advice. I mean, it would be nice to have someone besides Jazz to share this life with. He’s great and all, but he’s just not my type.
“Just remember, keep doing, keep changing your mind, keep pursuing your happiness. Happiness comes from being a little uncomfortable as often as possible so you’re always learning and growing.* That is what will make you happy and you will find that you’ll surround yourselves with those who believe the same.
“Thank you all for coming tonight. I hope you had a wonderful evening and I hope to get to see you again. Thanks!!”
Waving, I stepped back over to the mic stand to replace the device so I can leave the stage. I give one last big smile at the crowd, take a little bow, and then head backstage. I have a meet and greet scheduled with some fans before I get to leave for the night.
I head back down that same concrete hallway I walked up in, but to a larger backstage conference room where they have my meet and greet set up. There’s a long table so that I can sign books, and two separate doors so they can form the line in and out of the room efficiently. I take my seat behind the table, fiddling with the little pile of Sharpies that Jasper has prepared for me, and reach for my glass of water, also ready and waiting. Jazz buzzes into the room, wearing his damn, unplugged headset, and waving his clipboard of little sketches at me and tells me that the meet-and-greeters are ready and waiting. Many people who interact with the public like I do hate these things, but not me. I truly like seeing and meeting my fans. Some of them are so exuberant and happy to see me that I just cannot help but feed off of that excitement. Some are shy and hesitant but trying and I can only hope and assume that it’s my doing that getting them to come out of their shells.
I sign and chat for over an hour after the show, it’s one of the things that drives my crew nuts. I take my time and shake hands and talk with fans. I spend what might be too much time with each person, but they’re willing to spend their time waiting for me, which part of me still doesn’t really understand, so I’m willing to give them a little bit of mine. I mean, for these VIP tickets some of these people paid like $375.00. I feel like that’s worth a minute or two of my time, you know?
As people pour past I hear ‘thank you’s and ‘I can’t believe it’s and small gasps or giggles here or there. Many of my fans are women, and I have to admit that I often wonder if that isn’t stemming from my past as a male model. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.* And I keep hearing how popular as a model I was, but I’ve got to think that my looks aren’t everything.
As the line dies down and most everyone has moved out of the room and onto whatever the rest of their night holds, I’m signing one last book. I look up and my eyes pop, wondering what he’s doing here asking for my autograph. Removing the low slung baseball cap from his head he smirks.
“Mike, what the hell are you doing here? And why on earth do you want my autograph?” I ask, in a low, whisper-yell, trying not to make a scene.
“Heh, I don’t really care about the autograph, but I figured it was the easiest way to get to you. We need to talk.”
“I have nothing to say to you Mike. We have nothing to talk about. You don’t like me, I don’t like you. In fact, how did you even get in here - you’re supposed to be on the restriction list after San Francisco,” I retort.
“Used my mom’s maiden name - you’re talking to Mike Cope right now, not Mike Newton. I knew you didn’t want me around but we really do need to talk. I have a couple of serious pieces of information that you’re going to want to hear.”
“Mike, in case you didn’t notice, I’m kind of in the middle of working here right now. I mean, not that you’d know anything about that. How many seats were left unsold at your last show again? Oh that’s right, about three quarters of them. So if you’ll excuse me I want to wrap up this sold out arena show and get to bed.” I stood from the table, walking toward the other side of the room away from the man who was quickly becoming my nemesis.
“Edward, I would seriously suggest that you listen to me. I don’t think news of a lawsuit would sit well with the public, especially if it blindsided you.”
I turned slowly, his words slithering down my spine, chilling me, even in the warm room.
“What in the fuck are you talking about, a lawsuit?”
“Edward, give me 15 minutes of your time and I promise I’ll explain everything. But for now, I think you’ll want to get some of these other people out of here first.”
“Jazz!”
“Yo, E, what’s up? What’s wrong?” Jazz rushes to my side, clipboard in hand.
“Uh, well, Mike Newton is here,” I start, waving my hand in the direction of Mike’s out of shape form, “and he says that he needs to talk to me about some lawsuit. I get the feeling that we need to hear him out before something blindsides us. Can we clear out the room?”
“Shit! Lawsuit? What the hell could he be talking about? Yeah, yeah, let me get the room cleared, just a minute.”
He ran off yelling for Alice. This was more than Jasper ever wanted to handle. Thankfully, his wife was well equipped to handle this type of security situation and within 10 minutes the room was cleared of everyone but essential staff, myself, and Mike. Sitting back down at the signing table and pulling up some extra chairs, Jazz, Alice, Rose, and I sit on one side of the long table, while Mike assumes his position on the opposite side.
He removes a packet of papers from inside the back cover of his copy of my book, unfolds them and slides them across the table.
“Look. Here’s the deal, Edward. We don’t like each other, but I also don’t think that you’re genuine in this whole thing. I’m actually trying to help people and yet you get all the fans and ticket sales. Your speaking is such a crock of shit. You quote those damn motivational posters that hang in high school hallways. You repeat yourself over and over and speak in circles. I listened to your show tonight and you didn’t really say anything at all. You told people to major in philosophy and walk on Mars. This is ridiculous. Not only that, but none of your ideas are your own, and that’s where this paperwork comes in,” he says, tapping the sheets of paper in front of him.
“I feel like you’re simply stealing other people’s ideas and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take your killing my career in your disregard for this profession. You make me feel like a laughing stock. And I’m not going to put up with it anymore. I’m suing you under the issue of intellectual property theft and copyright infringement. You are constantly using quotes from others and taking bits of other speeches and things you’ve seen. You never credit anyone else and you’re making a killing. I will see some of that money because it’s not fair.”
I snort in response, suppressing a laugh. This is absolutely ridiculous. Borrowing ideas and information is what we all do. People know everything that we tell them. Somewhere in their psyches they truly know what we’re saying already, they just need someone to point it out to them. Really, I think this motivational speaking thing is kind of a crock myself. I’d never buy into one, but there are people out there who need it, who need the idea or the direction and for them, I’ll keep doing what I do, even if I might not fully understand it. I’ve said before that sometimes I feel like a phony, but so long as people are willing to listen I’ll be here.
“Mike, you’re full of shit. You borrow stuff, I borrow stuff, what difference does it make? I still don’t understand why you’re coming to me with this now.”
“Because you’re a fraud and I don’t like you and I want you out of my way. With you done in this business, I’ll be the one with sold out crowds and books on the bestseller list. I’ve been making my way in this business for years and all of a sudden you just show up, all fresh off the runway and you’re the biggest thing out there. It’s not right! I mean, I’ve been doing this for years! And you just show up. You have your very own ‘bod squad’ here with your security ladies. I’ve hired Jessica and Lauren. Jasper keeps all your shit organized for you. I’ve got Eric as a PA. I just don’t understand and I don’t like it. You don’t do anything different than I do, but I can barely publish a new book without putting up my own funds for it. I can’t take it anymore and I’m going to bring to light what a fraud you really are.”
With that, he stood from his seat and walked out the door, leaving Jazz, Rose, Alice and I to stare at the stack of papers he’d left on the table. It was a letter describing my work and citing examples of quotes I’d used in different speeches and books. I had to admit, it looked bad. I glanced left and right, looking at my team.
“Shit. Looks like we have some work to do. We’re going to need a plan.”
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* Quotes from this chapter:
- Hansel - Zoolander
- Jessica Stanley - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
- Richard Bach
- Joan Oliver Goldsmith
- Rich Hatch
- Derek Zoolander - Zoolander
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